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Pillsbury Doughboy

The Pillsbury Doughboy

McDonalds Job Application

This is (I'm told but who knows) an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida ......And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-It notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb sexy blonde super model, who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes, Absolutely.

SIGN HERE:
Aries.

Well known proverbs ... as mangled by 1st graders

This is probably an urban myth but the story is that: A first grade teacher gave children in her class the first half of some well known proverbs and asked them to fill in the end. Here is what they came up with.

  • Better to be safe ... than punch a 5th grader.
  • Strike while the ... bug is close.
  • It's always darkest before ... daylight savings time.
  • Never understimate the power of ... termites.
  • Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
  • No news is ... impossible.
  • A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
  • You can't teach an old dog ... math.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust ... me.
  • The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.
  • An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.
  • Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.
  • Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is ... much.
  • Two's company, three's ... The Musketeers.
  • None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.
  • Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
  • You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.
  • When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.
  • There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and .. you have to blow your nose.

Letter from MIT to John Mongon (see reply under)

From CarTalk. MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply.

April 18, 1994

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight", just check the appropriate box on the form.




May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self-indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

Radio comedy

CAR TALK

A funny weekly talk-back radio show on National Public Radio where listeners call in with their car (and relationship) problems and Tom & Ray attempt to diagnose them on air and give advice. You can listen to last week's show and selected highlights from earlier shows in Real Audio. I listened to it over the internet while I was in Australia.

Official site

MARTIN MOLLOY

Often crude, always silly and sometimes hilarious, this comedy duo hosts Australian afternoon drivetime radio. "Please explain" was their best effort, with my favourite caller being the man enquiring about high voltage power lines. He was wondering why the sign on the fence at the base of the tower said "DANGER! KEEP OUT! 500,000 volts. DEATH BY ELECTROCUTION!" and then in smaller letters "Penalty for trespassing $500".

Lan and I often repeat Mick's suggestion on a phrase that could be used in a commercial for dairy-based spreads, "Well bugger me. It IS butter!".

Their web site was www.martinmolloy.com.au but it seems to have gone.

Amusing web sites

Sayings of Samuel Langhorne Clemens a.k.a. Mark Twain

Able to capture difficult concepts in a single sentence, he could have made a handsome living from bumper stickers if they had been invented a century earlier. This site is one of many featuring his wit. For example: "One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain't nothing can beat teamwork."

Mark Twain quotes

MISHEARD SONG LYRICS

A site devoted to misheard lyrics of popular songs. The name is taken from a misunderstanding of the line " 'scuse me while I kiss the sky" in Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze". I knew a girl who thought the GoGo's were singing about "Alex the seal" instead of "Our lips are sealed". This errror is not mentioned but there are six others! The listing for AC/DC's "You shook me all night long" is both hilarious and frightening!

KissThisGuy.com

ECONOMIST JOKES

I'll admit this one is a little esoteric but it is fun.

JokEc

SATIRE WIRE

One of my co-workers tipped me off to this site. New twists on actual news stories. Athough it is no longer being updated, there is plenty worth reading, including my favorite U.S. attack delayed by more Iraqi red tape

SatireWire web site

DIGITAL CLOCK – A BREAKTHROUGH

After years of work, computer science graduate students at The University of Poland have finally finished their Internet-based digital clock.

INTERESTING ERROR MESSAGE

Read it carefully before thinking it is a standard 404 "Page not found" error message.

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